How Not to Break Out of Jail
by Sakuchi-san
Summary: After a scheme gone wrong, Light is put in jail and it's up to L, Matsuda, and the Wammy House Trio to help break him out. But would these weird plans work at all or just land them in jail? And will Light's guard see through the shenanigans? Sequel to The Art of Being an Idiot.
1. Jailbird

_**Warning: Light says 'damn' in this chapter. A LOT.**_

~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~

_Drip, drip, drip, drip..._

That was the only noise Light heard in his jail cell. The dripping of the damn faucet in the corner. And it was driving him nuts. _Someone. Make it. STOP. _He thought as he lay on his wooden bunk in an orange jumpsuit staring at the ceiling.

"What kind of jail is this!?" He said to himself sitting up once again to try to get the sink to stop. "The bunk is wood with cotton on it and it comes with no toilet paper. I came in here 3 days ago and I still haven't gotten my registered one phone call. Idiot guard says, 'Oh, it's broken, be fixed in an hour.' And on top of all this, I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO BE IN HERE." Light whispers harshly to himself.

"Finally losing your mind, eh?" Said a voice behind Light on the other side of the bars. "That's kinda good, you could plead for insanity that way. Judge might let ya off."

Light put his hands to his face and moaned. It was the 'idiot guard', Demigawa. He was the one that busted him, Near, and Watari on the street doing their 'brother scam' for money to pay the bills in the skyscraper. Demigawa only arrested Light though, since Near was a minor. And since then the guard has been assigned as Light's guard for his whole stay until his trial.

"I'm not losing my mind. And I told you already that I didn't do that much wrong. You won't listen to me." Light growled still messing around with the pipes below the rusty sink.

"Didn't do much wrong? You were caught swindling people out of their hard-earned money and forcing an innocent little boy and old man to go along with your plot. I think you did much wrong." Demigawa said twirling his baton. "Oh and also, if your not losing your mind then why are you turning the faucet the wrong way?"

That's when Light blew up. "What kind of DAMN jail is this?! The DAMN phone is broken! The bed is made of DAMN wood with no DAMN blankets. The DAMN faucet won't stop DRIPPING! There's no DAMN toilet paper and no plunger to unclog the DAMN toilet!"

"Boy, you really like saying that word, do ya?"

"DAMN RIGHT I DO! I can say it ALL DAMN day!"

"Well, since you can say it all day, I'll leave you to it. I'll just tell the next inmate that they could use the newly fixed phone next."

Light paused and stood up straight. He tried to wipe the sneer off his face as he turned to Demigawa. "Give me the phone, _Please. _I am in desperate need to call someone who could explain this whole situation. Possibly my lawyer."

"That's more like it." Demigawa said unlocking the cell door and leading Light towards the new phone on the wall. "Take a crack at it. Newly polished and painted, it is."

Light took the phone from its cradle and hurriedly dialed L's private cell. He waited impatiently for the ringing to stop and then L answered, "Hello L speaking. Are you finally going to deliver my 95th strawberry cake or do I have to come down there? You won't like me when I'm hungry."

"L, it's me Light. What have you been doing for the past THREE days?! I've been rotting in here with a dripping faucet, clogged toilet, and a guard dumber than Matsuda!"

Suddenly Matsuda's voice came onto the phone. "There's someone dumber than me!? _Finally. _Oh wait, I mean HEY, I'm not that dumb!"

Then L came back. "Don't worry Light, we're working on a few plans to get you out. They may not all work though, so don't count on getting out before the trial. Oh, I'm enlisting the help of Near, Matt, and Mello too."

"Wait. Those BRATS? NO WAY. Have you forgotten that one of them is the reason wh- L? L, you better not have hung up. L!" Light shouted for awhile more than put down the phone. He happened to glance down at his hand and see that is was red with paint from the phone. _Stupid guard, stupid jail, stupid L. __Stupid FAUCET._


	2. Matsuda's Idea

L sighed and put his cell back into his pants pocket. "That was Light who just called. It seems like only after three days he can't take prison life. I hope he won't do anything stupid before we think of something." He took a slice of strawberry cake and shoved half of it in his mouth.

Matsuda was sitting on the couch with his hands to his head, lips puckered, and legs crossed. The Matsui Thinking Position he called it. "I already suggested putting a nail file in a cake and sending it to him. But you said 'NOO'. And then you called me an idiot."

"Because Matsuda, that's one of the oldest tricks in the book and modern cells aren't pencil thin like they used to be. It would take months for Light to saw his way out of there. When the Wammy House Trio get here, I may be able to think of a clearer plan."

Matsuda groaned and broke his pose, stretching out on the couch. "I kinda agree with Light on that one. For kids they're a couple of jerks and pain-in-the-asses. They might make more trouble for us then we want."

"Hey Pops, say that to our faces!" Mello said from the entryway in the lobby as he, Near, and Matt came in at that moment. "And get ya ass off the couch! You're contaminating it."

Matsuda gave a little yelp and slid further along the couch, but didn't get off it. He was frightened of Mello, but not by much after the few times he dealt with him. He knew how he ticked now. _And he's still calling me 'Pops'. I'm not that old... _Matsuda thought irritably.

As Mello and Matt sat on the couch by Matsuda and Near sat on the floor with his Superman figure L said, "Please be nice to Matsuda, although not bright he's important to the team. And I expect not to have any trouble with you guys like last time. Or you will be dealt with like last time, Watari's around here somewhere."

The Trio mumbled their assent and the brainstorming session got down to business. What were plans to break Light out of jail? Many of them were thrown out, but none of them suited L's fancy. And most of them were just plain _stupid._

Mello suggested, "How about we plant a bomb in the prison? Blow the whole thing up, get Light, end of story."

L paused and ate a cookie from the pack on the computer desk. "Mello, if we were to do that we wouldn't look very inconspicuous. Besides where would we get a _bomb_ from anyways?"

"Duh, I know people from places you're not supposed to know exist. But to make it cheaper I could just make 'em myself."

"Man, you even think like a criminal. How are you even qualified to be in this country?" Matsuda asked from the other side of the couch.

"I'm not qualified to be in this country..." Mello said like it was no problem. "I was like, banished or some shit. Can't remember the word for it. But I didn't leave."

"LIGHTBULB!" L and Near said at the same time, making everyone jump and Matt drop the handheld he was playing.

"Dude, that cost me $300! Keep your brain farts to yourselves." Matt grumbled as he bent down and retrieved his game.

"Well? What is it?" Matsuda asked excitedly. "Do we finally have a game plan?"

Both L and Near stared at each other for awhile. They were both thinking the same thing: who's going to take credit for the plan? "Well, what _I _thought of was that we-" Near began before L interrupted him with a cough.

"In fact, what _I, _and by 'I' I mean _me, _thought of was-"

"Why do you get to say it?"

"Because I thought of it."

"No you didn't."

"Yes I did."

"I'll shove that cake up your _ass!_"

"Not if I shove the doll up yours _first!_"

Then Matsuda stood up and exclaimed, "I GOT IT! If Mello isn't supposed to be here then he's a _wanted criminal_. That means if he's caught he goes to jail, where _Light is. _If we get L to arrest him and take him 'in' then L could probably let him keep his cell phone. He'll be able to inform us what goes on in the jail and at what _time_."

L and Near quieted just as fast as they began. Mello and Matt stared at Matsuda like he was from another planet. No one could say a word. _He has a BRAIN. _Everyone around Matsuda thought.

"What are you staring at? Are my shoes untied? Is my fly down? OH MY GOD, It's a spider isn't it? GET IT AWAY!"

L secretly let out a sigh of relief, _He's still the same Matsuda. _"Okay, we'll put Matsuda's plan into action tomorrow."


	3. Under Arrest

The next day everybody packed into a black SUV and went into the heart of the city to put the plan into action. While Matsuda drove and L read the map, the Wammy House Trio had to go over scenarios of how to get Mello to draw major attention to himself.

"Well, first things first. How did you get banished from the country in the first place? Did you assassinate someone or something?" Matt asked putting down his Gameboy and turning toward Mello who was sitting next to him.

Mello stopped staring out the window and put his hand to his chin. "No, I wouldn't really go that far. I think it was on the charges of smuggling illegal weapons and being a suspect to planning to blow up a building. The building part you guys should know about though. I told you about it."

"What!? I didn't hear you mention even once that you were going to blow a building up!" Matt exclaimed as he searched his memory. "You're making it up!"

Then Near spoke up from the other side of Matt. "Actually, he has told us that he was going to blow up a building. He said, 'I'm going to blow up the classroom so I won't have to go to school anymore.' Something like that."

Matt stared at Mello on one side, then turned to Near on the other side. "But...I thought he just didn't like _school! _You were really going to blow it _up!?_"

"Yup." Mello said nonchalantly as the SUV came to a stop in front of a packed shopping mall and he got out. "And the teacher got on my nerves too, she talked _so much._"

When everyone got out of the car they all packed in around L as he explained how Mello was going to get 'arrested'. "First, Near and Matt have to get the word out that Mello is about to do something that will endanger human lives. Since I overheard most of your conversation from the front I'm going to have them spread the word that Mello's made a bomb threat against the people in the mall."

"_Threat?_ I'm not going to do it for real?" Mello asked with his arms crossed.

L sighed and scratched the back of his head. "Mello, we are not actually going to blow up the mall. Even though they shut down my favorite doughnut place...Um, never mind about that. After they spread the word, Mello would come onto the main floor and start acting crazy. Which shouldn't be hard to do since he's practically that already. Then Matsuda will come in and flash his police badge and tackle Mello..."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa. _Pops _has to to take _me _down? WHY?"

"Becuase", L said, "Matsuda's the one on the police force and has the badge. People will leave you to him while I come in and slap the handcuffs on you. Is all that clear? Good, let's get to work."

Near and Matt split up when they entered the mall and started spreading the rumors. Matt just told random people that, "There's a crazy person in here that wants to blow this place up. Something about not giving him his discount on a bar of chocolate. You better get out, FAST."

Near, on the other hand, used all of his acting skills. He put overtones in his voice that'll make anybody believe what he said. And his ability to change the shape of his face in an instant also helped in the plan. "Oh NO. There's a wild maniac on the loose from the jail! He's planning on blowing up this mall and eating your children. RUN, before he gets here!"

By the time Mello was in position to come in, people were already in a jittery mood. Moms holding their children close to them and people pushing others to get to the exit. That's when Mello decided to go all out.

"ALL RIGHT ASSHOLES! I'm going to kill you all now so don't try to run! There's a bomb in here that'll blow you to PIECES! Then I will EAT YOUR CHILDREN! That's right Goldilocks, I'm talking to _YOU!"_

_I guess that's my cue to get out there. _Matsuda thought as he pulled out his badge and started running towards the crowd in the middle of the mall. "Japanese Task Force, coming through! I will protect you citizens!" And with that Matsuda smashed into Mello with all he had, which was more than Mello thought.

"Damn, you're FAT!" Mello grumbled to Matsuda as he sat on him. "Dude, let up a little! You're breaking my _SPINE!_"

Matsuda just smiled and pressed down harder on Mello. "You don't know how good this feels to be doing this to you. Finally, some payback for all the hell you put me through." And with that Matsuda started to bounce up and down on Mello's back until L came to put the handcuffs on him.

"Mello, you are under arrest. You have the right to remain silent." L said starting to state the Miranda rights.

_Thank God, I don't care where I'm going. As long as he's off of me. My back is killing me now._ Mello thought as L and Matsuda led him away.


	4. Cell Fight: Light Vs Mello

When Demigawa saw the world's greatest detective, L, walk into his cell block he almost dropped the sprinkled doughnut he was eating. _The world famous L! He's caught more criminals than I have in 5 years, and he's in MY cell block! Should I ask for his autograph? Or a momento? Wait, maybe I should ask for his HAIR!._

But before he could make his odd request, L left and returned with Mello in tow. "Excuse me, are you Officer Demigawa? I heard your jail was the best on the block and I was wondering if you would house this cretin for me. He just tried to blow up a shopping mall...and threatened to eat the kids."

"Oh, uh, um, I mean yup that's me! I will be happy to house this criminal for you (anything for the great L) and I have just the cell for him. With this other guy busted for swindling money."

"That sounds good enough for him. Off you go to the slammer criminal." L said to Mello as he shoved him towards Demigawa, but before he let him go he whispered, "And remember, please do not hurt the guard. If you're arrested for _real_ I won't be able to get you out."

"Yeah, yeah whatever. Do recon only, don't maim anyone, no smart-mouthing the guard." Mello whispered back as he walked towards Demigawa.

L was about to turn and walk away when Demigawa spoke up hesitantly. "Um, Detective L? Could I trouble you for, ah, a piece of you hair? Only a little."

He considered it for a moment, then said, "If you give me that doughnut and the others on your desk I'll give you some locks. Deal?"

"Deal!"

After the strange transaction Demigawa led Mello to Light's cell. "Hey nutcase, stop fooling around with the faucet and say hello to your new cell mate." Demigawa called as he shoved Mello into the cell and walked away.

Light took one look at Mello and thought, _I'm sharing this cell with a pyschopath. He'll probably make a shank and kill me in my sleep. _But what he said was, "So, you finally get caught robbing a candy store?"

Mello blew out a puff of air and sat roughly on the wooden bunk. "I did that twice. Once when I was five and got out on bail. Second when I was eight and pinned the whole thing on a girl standing outside. I'm actually in here because L made this plan to put me in here so I can do reconnaissance about this dump to help get you out. He let me keep a cell on me, to call with any information."

Light perked up at the last part. "You got a cell? Give it to me. I need to call someone." He put out his hand and made the 'gimme' gesture.

"Hold on now, you don't command me to do anything. I have the phone and I'll give it to you when I damn well feel like it. Got it, Mr. _I'm A Gay_?"

"First off, don't call me that name. Second off, you better start feeling like it right now because I won't ask again. GIMME. THE DAMN. PHONE." Light said menacingly starting towards Mello.

Mello also got up from the bunk and walked to the middle of the cell to meet Light. "The only way you'll get this phone is if you KISS MY ASS!" Mello bent down in front of Light and yelled, "NOW KISS IT!"

And what Light did was give him a good-centered kick, right down the middle. Mello almost lost his footing, but regained it quickly as he spun around and speared Light. Both fell to the floor screaming curses and pulling on hair. Finally Light sat on the center of Mello's back and held him in a head lock.

"FUCK! Get off!" Mello panted as he scrambled around under Light. "I already got sat on today!"

"Then give me the phone! _Right now. _I'll let you up if you just- SHIT! WHAT THE HELL!? DID YOU JUST BITE ME!?" Light screamed as he jumped up and examined his hand.

"Damn right I did and you taste like ass." Mello said getting back up and spitting on the floor.

"How'd you know what ass taste like, huh?" Light shot back still holding his tingling hand. "God, I hope you had all your shots, I might get rabies."

"Oh yeah? And I might've gotten herpies from _you._"

Before they can get at it again Demigawa came running down the narrow hallway with his taser out. "Everyone stop right now! No one move or you both get 10,000 volts of electricity up ya ass, got it?"

Both Light and Mello put their hands up and froze. This was going to be the longest stay in prison they've ever had. Where was L with that plan when you needed him?


	5. The Plan

That afternoon back at headquaters L and Matsuda, along with Matt and Near, were waiting for the cell call from Mello about the inner workings of the prison he and Light were in. So far it has been four hours and L's cell had not rung once.

Matsuda was restlessly pacing the floor of the lobby. "Why hasn't one of them called? Do you think that Light murdered Mello!? Mello might deserve it, but he's just a kid! Light might end up in HELL."

Matt paused in playing his Gameboy and looked over at Matsuda. "Actually, you might need to worry about Mello killing Light. I once seen him break a guy's leg that was five times bigger than him. Then he broke all his fingers."

Near put in the last piece of his all-white puzzle and sighed. "One of them wouldn't dare kill the other one because he'll end up with life in prison. They're probably fighting over who would get the cell phone and call L."

At that moment L's cell did ring. He set down his milkshake and picked up his cell phone. "Hello L speaking. Oh Light...where's Mello?...sitting on him? Okay...What information can you give me?" L sat and listened for a moment before he suddenly jerked the phone away from his ear. Everyone in the room could hear the primal screaming and cussing from the phone.

L gently put the phone back to his ear and said, "Hello? Is anyone sill there? Oh Mello, it's you...Please tell me you didn't kill Light...You didn't?...Bit his _hand_?...Good...Now, have any more information for me?" This time L listened for awhile longer then hung up the phone.

"It seems that the guard, Demigawa, isn't a really _good_ one. Both said that he sleeps at the desk and goes on doughnut runs for extended periods of time. Light's said that he often puts the keys down on his desk before he goes. And according to Mello the only weapon he has on him is a baton and taser, no gun."

Near puzzled over that information for a moment while he started on a Sudoku board. "So, did any of them tell you a time frame of how long Demigawa would be gone on a doughnut run?"

"Yes, Light said that he's usually gone for a 25 minutes at the doughnut shop across the street. Matt, you know where that is right?"

Matt didn't even glance up from the game as he said, "Yeah, Donny Doughnuts? Sucky name, but good junk food. Go there all the time. DIE YOU BASTARD! COME ON!" The last part being directed at the game instead of L.

"Good because you're going to go there in a few minutes with Near to create a distraction for Demigawa. While they're doing that, Matsuda will sneak in and grab the keys off the desk and get out of there."

"YES! Finally, an important role in a mission. I'll be like: Bond. _James Bond._Cool!" Matsuda cheered as he pumped his arms up into the air.

While Matsuda was celebrating Near got up, walked towards L, and whispered, "You're not _really _going to let him do that part, are you?

L whispered back, "Yes I am, in fact."

"But _WHY? _No offense to your village idiot, but he'll screw it up."

"I know there's a 50/50 chance he _will._ But he's the only one I could send in without him looking suspicious. Would you like to do it?"

"No, but why don't you send the crazy old guy? Wa-something."

"It's Watari. And I can't because if Watari gets caught we'll be out a valuable member. Matsuda's...well..._expendable._"

"Oh, I see now."

Just then Matsuda came over, rolling and sneaking around like a spy. "Hey L, your spy's name going to be 'The Raven', got it? And I'm going to be 'Macho Matsui', okay?" Before L could respond, Matsuda was already rolling out the door, whistling the Bond theme song.

"Sure Matsuda, whatever you say." L said to himself rolling his eyes. _Let's hope you watched enough spy movies to know how to get away. _


	6. Doughnut Fail

The next day L got the time Demigawa usually goes out for his doughnut run from Light (Light saying that Mello was 'incapacitated' at the moment). Demigawa usually goes for his doughnuts between noon and two o'clock. That was the time when L and Matsuda dropped off Near and Matt in front of Donny Doughnuts.

"Remember you two, don't let on to the guard that you know Mello or Light, not even a little bit." L said to Near and Matt leaning out of the SUV window with Matsuda at the wheel. "And under no circumstances are you to let him out the door if Matsuda hasn't called you on his cell."

"What if he takes a long time trying to get the keys? What're we supposed to do then?" Matt asked before Matsuda pulled away with L.

L scratched his head for a moment. "Well, I guess that's going to be your problem now, isn't it?" He replied as the SUV pulled from the corner and headed towards the jail.

Matt stared after the SUV until Near dragged him into the doughnut shop. When they entered they picked a table to wait for Demigawa to arrive. It didn't take him long. He came in with the standard police uniform and hat. Near and Matt decided to spring into action right away so Demigawa wouldn't just order and leave.

"Excuse me sir? May I ask you a question?" Near said putting on his innocent boy charm. The cop had to pause to acknowledge a kid, right? "What's your favorite type of doughnut?"

Demigawa paused and looked down at Near for a split-second. _He's looks sweet...I guess I can stop to answer his question. _"Oh well, my favorite doughnut would be the pink-frosted ones with the sprinkles on top. Very delicious."

"Oh really!? I like those too!" Near said excitedly. "You know what else I like? I like chocolate, and strawberry jelly, and blueberry jelly, and raspberry jell, and lemon cream, and powdered, and-"

_Oh boy, I picked a chatty one. _Demigawa thought as Near listed the kinds of doughnuts he never tasted and doubted never will like in the first place.

_Man, I can't think of anything else that goes with doughnuts. I'll start listing random stuff now. _Near thought as he switched tactics. "-and maple bacon, and popcorn, and pizza, and nachos, and-"

_Wait a minute, now the kids just listing stuff he likes! I got to get him out of my way and get back to the prisoners. _"Alrighty kid, that all sounds delicious, but I need to get my doughnuts now so I can be on my way. I'll see ya around and stay out of trouble." Demigawa said sidestepping Near and heading towards the doughnut counter.

Matt was waiting in the background with the phone in case Matsuda called with the signal when he saw Demigawa slip past Near and walk up to the doughnut counter. _Now what are we going to do to stop him?_ Matt thought frantically as he racked his mind on some way to distract Demigawa. After a while of thinking he had an idea.

Running up to the doughnut counter he cut in front of Demigawa and told the clerk, "Listen, I want all the pink-frosted sprinkled doughnuts you have right now! Chop, chop I'm in a hurry!"

"Okay then!" The clerk said beginning to scoop the full tray of pink-frosted sprinkled doughnuts into a giant pastry box. "You must be a very hungry kid."

"Hey wait a minute, _wait a minute_!" Demigawa said angrily. "The kid cut in front of me! I wanted to buy some of those too, ya know. Get back in line kid!"

"No, you were too slow and I ordered them." Matt replied then stuck out his tongue, the little kid trademark.

"You don't even have all the money to pay for those! How you gonna pay, huh? Selling lemonade for 25 cents?"

"No, I'm gonna pay with this." And Matt held up a large wad of cash and handed it over to the clerk who in return gave him the box of doughnuts. _Now he'll spend all his time bargaining to get the doughnuts while Matsuda gets the keys. Perfect. _

But it was not to be so. Because just then another worker came out with a fresh baked batch of pink-frosted sprinkled doughnuts. "Hey, I heard there was fighting over these babies, so I whipped up another batch. Now who wants some?"

"Me, me, _me!_" Demigawa shouted pulling out his money, taking his doughnuts and rushing out the door. _Finally, away from those weird kids. Why don't they stay inside and play videogames all day or something?_

Matt and Near stood frozen in the doughnut shop doorway looking as Demigawa entered the jail. And since Matsuda still hadn't called, he was still in there.

_Oh shit. _Both thought looking out the door.


	7. New Inmate

Meanwhile Matsuda was just getting his 'spy' on. There was a rocky start where Matsuda had to leave L to drive the SUV down the street and park it (L hasn't driven a car in _years_, Watari always drove him). He seemed to had had trouble with putting the car in reverse, but got it eventually after narrowly running Matsuda over.

Now Matsuda was inside the actual prison and was slinking down the halls like in a classic spy movie. _Tiptoe, tiptoe, tiptoe, FREEZE. Peeking around the corner, tiptoeing again. Now ROLL. Stand up, freeze at corner. Wait, what's that noise?! Oh, it's a rat. _These were all Matsuda's thoughts as he tiptoed to the room where Demigawa's desk was.

After a few false rooms and false alarms caused by rats, Matsuda finally found the hall where Demigawa's desk was. Taking quick looks to both sides, he dashed down the hallway all the way to the desk. He could see the keys glittering on the desk,_ all he had to do was grab them._

"Hey look it's POPS!" Someone called, startling Matsuda and causing him to give a yelp that echoed through the hallway. Matsuda quickly looked to his right and groaned at the sight next to him. It was Mello in the cell in front of Demigawa's desk along with Light who was bent down in front of the faucet.

"What're you doing here Matsuda?" Light asked as he came to the bars to stand beside Mello. This was the only time they weren't trying to kill each other. "Did L send you in here to deliver a message? It better not be anything concerning sending more kids into here. I'm already tired of this savage."

Matsuda quickly got over his shock seeing that it was only these two and that Mello was behind bars. "Oh, L sent me in here to get the keys to your cell. I have no idea what he's planning on doing with them, but he should have you out any day now. My code names 'Macho Matsui'! I'm like a type of spy-"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever." Mello cut in waving his hand through the bars. "Hurry and give me the keys so I can get out of here. I'm tired of Mr. I'm A Gay here trying to boss me around for the phone."

"I said don't call me that. Clean your ears out once in a while...oh wait, that's _hygiene. _You don't do that." Light said sarcastically. He held his hand through the bars and said, "Give them to me Matsuda, I'm not sure he actually knows how to use keys."

"I know how to us them to _stab_ someone with!"

"I'll like to see you try!"

"Actually you guys, L said that I was to get the keys and report straight back to him. I'm not supposed to do anything with them." Matsuda interrupted hesitantly, reaching for the keys on the desk. "And then I'm supposed to call Matt and Near at the doughnut shop to tell them that I got them."

Light and Mello stared at Matsuda for a moment, then Light went into a rage. "What do you mean 'not do anything with them'!? We're RIGHT HERE. UNLOCK THE DAMN DOOR!"

Mello shared his opinion on the subject too. "Those keys unlock _cells_, get it? What is this we're in? A _cell. UNLOCK THE CELL. _It's not rocket science!"

Before Matsuda could reply to this he heard a sound he hoped he wouldn't hear while he was in there. Footsteps. Coming this way. And he was in plain sight. Mello and Light must have heard them too because both fell silent and beckoned for Matsuda to put the keys down and get under the desk.

Just as Demigawa rounded the corner. "Hey inmates keep it down. I heard you almost half a cell block away. Go back to sleeping or whatever you two do in the daytime. I got me some doughnuts to eat!" Demigawa scooted his chair back and plopped in at his desk, his knees butting Matsuda in the forehead.

_Oh man, oh man, oh man. I knew I should've just grabbed them and went. But no, you had to stay. _Matsuda thought to himself as he tried to quiet his breathing. _Okay, okay, no big deal. I'll just wait until he uses the bathroom or something then get the hell out of here. Just don't make a noise._

Suddenly Demigawa did the unthinkable. "Hey inmates, get a load of this!" He said lifting his leg and letting rip a fart that almost shook the whole jail. You could see the ripples from it. "HAHAHA! Wasn't that a hoot!? Who wants to go next?"

"OH MY GOD! WHAT DID YOU EAT!? COW MANURE? I CAN'T BREATHE! HELP HELP!" Matsuda cried and with inhuman strength lifted the desk off his head and tossed it to the side. He froze when he saw the look on Demigawa's face.

Later on that day, Matsuda was in a matching orange jumpsuit just like Light and Mello's making his one phone call.


	8. L Can't Drive

L had been waiting in the SUV for a little over two hours and has not heard from Matsuda neither Matt or Near. And it was getting uncomfortably hot in the SUV and his sweets had all melted together into one sticky mess. He tried unsuccessfully to eat the glob of gummy bears he had in his pocket, but only succeeded in sticking his hands together. Then his cell picked the perfect time to ring.

Sighing, he unstuck his hands and grabbed his cell the best way he knew how. "Hello L speaking. Oh Matsuda, got the keys?...No?...Are you outside the building?...No?...Demigawa's back isn't he?...Please don't tell me you're where I think you are...*sigh* of course I'll get you." L hung up the cell and tried to pry it from his sticky fingers.

_I could use something less sticky. Hmmm, I might decide to see what Matt and Near are up to in the DOUGHNUT shop. Yes...doughnuts. _L thought as he pried his sticky hands from the phone and stuck the SUV keys into the ignition.

"Okay, the left is brake and the right is gas. Put the car into reverse and ease back a little-"

_BAM! SCREEEECHHH!_

L jolted the car forward and rolled down his window. Glancing behind him, L saw that he had ran into a light pole. "Who put that there?" L said to himself as he started down the road towards the doughnut shop.

Back in the doughnut shop Matt and Near were sitting at one of the small tables in the corner of the room. Matt started in on his box of doughnuts he ordered from the clerk as he waited for the cell phone to ring. He had a sneaking suspicion that it wasn't going to ring anytime soon. So he turned it off, no use wasting up the battery.

Near was sitting in the chair next to the window. He didn't bother ordering anything on account of that he hated doughnuts and everything else served in the shop looked unappealing. Occasionally he'll glance up from his action figure to stare out the window.

But what he saw outside the window made his heart jump out of his chest. "M-m-ma-ma- MATT!" Near stuttered (something he never did) as he clung onto Matt's arm.

"Dude, get off. Snuggle with the action figure or something." Matt said distractedly, methodically making his way through the box of pink-frosted doughnuts.

"Ma-ma-Matt! SUV! SUV!" Near screamed grabbing his action figure and running to the other side of the shop.

"Yes Near. SUVs drive on the road. Like all cars do. Aren't you supposed to be the smart one?" Matt said looking up as Near ran from the table. Then he saw the SUV...and it was driving..._on the sidewalk. Right towards the doughnut shop window. _Taking evasive action, Matt grabbed the box of doughnuts and ran to cower next to Near.

But just as they were deciding on their last will and testament the SUV swerved and stopped inches from the doughnut shop window. And out of the SUV came L. He was covered in..._gooey stuff._ The goop was in his hair, on his shirt and jeans, and all over his hands. L walked into the doughnut shop and spotting Matt and Near, started to heads towards them.

"ZOMBIE! AAAAHHHH! ZOMBIE!" Both Matt and Near screeched. They hugged each other in a death grip. Normally they wouldn't touch each other with a ten-foot pole, but dying was an exception, they needed to hug.

L stopped in front of the two and reached towards them. But it wasn't to grab _them,_ it was to grab the_ doughnuts_ in Matt's hands. "Finally. Something SWEET. I was starving. Why are you two holding each other like that?" L asked as he stuffed half a doughnut into his mouth.

Matt and Near were still speechless with fright, but Matt got up the courage to let go of Near. Then he swallowed the lump in his throat and asked L, "What is that? On your shirt? And hands?"

"Oh this? Gummy bear incident. Oh and Matsuda got caught, so we'll have to go to Plan B. Everyone in the car!" L declared, scooping the rest of the doughnuts out of Matt's hands and heading towards the mangled SUV.

Matt got shakily to his feet and looked down at Near who was still cowering in the corner. "Near? Come on. We have to go."

Near got shakily to his feet and looked at the mangled SUV outside. _We're going to die before we get to wherever we're going. I know it. _


	9. Enlisting in an Ally

Being in an SUV with L was like driving with someone without _eyes._ He didn't even give Matt and Near a chance to buckle their seatbealts before he went tearing from the doughnut shop. Ignoring every traffic law known to man, L drove like a man possessed and it didn't help that one hand was occupied with a pink-frosted doughnut.

"Hey Matt, what do the two double yellow lines mean? I remember reading something about them in the handbook..." L asked jerking the steering wheel left to right with a mouthful of doughnut.

Matt was in the back seat with Near, firmly tightening his seatbelt as far as it could go. "You READ the handbook!? I DON'T BELIEVE YOU!" Matt screamed looking at L's face in the driver's mirror.

"I read it years ago. Before Watari started to drive me around everywhere. If you don't want to answer then pass me another doughnut why don't you?" L said holding out one of his hands.

"Instead of concentrating on doughnuts, how about you concentrate on the _ROAD. THE ROAD!_" Matt yelled burying his face in his lap.

Throughout this exchange Near was cowering on the other side of the SUV in the backseat. He had two seatbelts strapped across his chest and had developed a nervous tic in one of his eyes. The action figure he had in his hand was being molded into a different shape by how hard he was squeezing it.

Apparently giving up on Matt about the doughnut L turned to Near and said, "Hand me another doughnut, please."

Near didn't do anything but stare straight ahead, petrified.

"I guess I'll have to get it myself, won't I? And after I said 'please'. Doesn't anyone teach you guys manners?" L said as he took _both _hands off the wheel and reached for the box in the backseat.

"EYES ON THE ROAD!" Matt screamed as he tried to shove L back into the driver's seat.

"Not until I get my doughnut!" L yelled back still reaching for the doughnuts.

"CONCRETE WAAAAALLLLL!" Near screamed as he scooped Matt up in another bearhug and tried to drop to the floor, forgetting about the seatbelts.

That was the moment when they crashed into the concrete barrier of a suburban home. Slowly uncovereing his head L looked out the shattered windsheild and pronounced, "We're here."

Matt and Near were still holding on to each other as they looked out the window at the ruined barrier. Who knew what the owner of the home would do to them when they saw this? Apparently the three of them were going to figure out sooner rather than later as the owner came out of the home: Soichiro Yagami.

"Who the HELL wrecked my barrier!? EVERYONE OUT THE CAR, _NOW._" Soichiro yelled marching toward the totaled SUV. "I'm going to send all of you to jail and make sure you don't get out for a _long_ while."

That's when L decided to show himself. Squeezing his slight frame out of the squashed door, he brushed himself off and held up his hands. "It's alright Mr. Yagami, I'll pay for the damages of course. I needed to enlist your help in a problem."

Soichiro paused as he looked at L, then at the SUV. "I see you've been driving again. Was anyone in there with-"

Before he could finish his sentence Matt and Near came tumbling out the SUV and sprinting towards Soichiro. They hid behind his legs like little children babbaling something about crashes and semi-trucks. Soichiro tried to shake one of them off, but they just clung tighter.

He sighed and said, "L, what did I tell you about practicing driving with others?"

"Ugh, not to endanger human life. I know, but this is a problem that might warrant your attention."

"What kind of problem is this that you had to plow an SUV through my barrier!? And frighten _children _at the most?"

"Oh, it involves your son."

"Light? What is it? Is he in trouble?" Soichiro asked trying to walk towards L.

"Yeah, he's in trouble. And so is Mello and Matsuda. They're all in jail at the moment. Interested now?"

"Very interested."


	10. Scott Free

This time when everyone piled into a car, Soichiro chose to drive. He didn't want L behind the wheel of his own car (for obvious reasons). L took shotgun as he got into the car with a plate of fresh-baked cookies from Light's mom. Matt and Near again took the backseat but were less petrified than before when L was driving.

Getting behind the wheel of the car Soichiro asked L, "So, which jail have they gotten themselves thrown into?"

"Oh, the one downtown in the cell block run by Demigawa. A pretty tight squeeze in the cells there and Light claims that the faucet won't stop dripping."

"Ugh, Demigawa's prison...Why that one of all the ones in Japan? I'm going to catch hell trying to get them out of there." Soichiro said as he backed out of the yard and started on his way to the jailhouse.

"Why is that? Don't you know him relatively well?" Matt asked as he waved L's offer of a cookie away from his face. His stomach was still churning from L's driving and Near still wore two seatbelts across his chest.

"It's going to be hard because when Demigawa arrests people he tries to keep them for as long as possible, it means he gets more money. The only way to get him to let those three go is to convince him he's going to get into some trouble by having them in there." Soichiro replied as he pulled up to the jail.

Matsuda spotted them as soon as they all entered the cell block. "Chief! Hey _Chief!_" Matsuda called excitedly waving his hands in between the cell bars. "Light, Light! Look it's the Chief and he's come to get us out. Finally!"

Light stood up at the sound of his dad's voice. He shoved Matsuda (rather roughly) to the side and put his face out of the bars as far as it would go. As soon as he got close Light yelled to L, "You called my DAD!? Dammit L, I didn't want him to know about this! And why is the silver-haired runt here!?"

Mello ran up to the bars at the mention of a 'silver-haired runt'. "Near's here? Man, I've never been so glad to see the little freak in all my life. And Matt's here too! GET ME OUTTA HERE!"

All the commotion woke Demigawa from the nap he was taking at his desk. Rubbing his eyes, Demigawa got up to greet the people who just walked in. When he noticed L he immediately put on his sternest police officer face. "L sir! What brings you back to my fine-tuned cell block? Another criminal?"

"Actually no Demigawa. I'm here for a different reason entirely. I'm sure you've met Soichiro before, right? Well, he's here to inspect your jail and the way you run it." L replied as Soichiro stepped forward to address Demigawa.

Demigawa took one look at Soichiro and swallowed. He didn't like the man one bit and it was only because he could spot all his broken regulations from a mile away. "So-Soi-Soichiro... Hey long time, no see. Bust any criminals lately?"

Soichiro ignored Demigawa's small talk and started inspecting the area around Demigawa's desk. "I see you still haven't cleaned your work station the last time I was here." He said coldly glancing around.

"And how would you prove that, Big Shot?" Demigawa asked, crossing his arms. "Where's your proof?"

"My proof is that the same doughnut you dropped on the ground two months ago is still there. And there's a nest of spiders in them."

At the mention of spiders, Matsuda immediately jumped onto the top of the bunk and started looking around him. Near and Matt also took some steps back from the desk. Spiders were not their forte.

Continuing with his inspection Soichiro turned to the cell in where his son was held captive. "Don't regulations state that there is to be one person per cell, Demigawa? That can get you probation, you know."

"Well, uh, ah, really there was no place else to put the other two. Ya know, leaks in the other cells. Besides they don't mind being together." Demigawa murmmered softly.

"LIKE HELL WE DO!" Mello yelled at Demigawa from behind the bars. "I don't have a place to SLEEP and Pops snores like a damn sailor!"

"Is that true, Mello? Well, what about you two? Got any other complaints that Demigawa hasn't delt with like a _true_ _officer should?_" Soichiro asked pointedly giving Demigawa his demonic stare.

Light immediately let his #1 complaint be known. "THE FAUCET. That DAMN FAUCET! It won't stop leaking! And the bastard over there refuses to fix it!"

"And there's no TOILET PAPER!" Matsuda whined from the bunk. "I've been holding it for the last week since I've been here and he doesn't want to give me anything! And I REALLY GOT TO _GO!_"

"And if I must say", Near said speaking up for the first time, "Even for a villiage idiot, Matsuda shouldn't have been in there as long as that because his crime wasn't that major and (I can't believe I'm saying this) neither was Light's. They should've been out days ago."

"Okay, okay. I admit I haven't been doing a good job with these guys and should've let those two go, but what about the yellow-haired one? He's WANTED for pete's sake! I'm keeping him." Demigawa argued.

"Oh, didn't I mention Demigawa?" L asked innocently from the other side of the room. "I didn't read all of Mello's Miranda rights to him. That means he shouldn't have been incarcerated. Oopsies." L shrugged.

Soichiro crossed his arms and glared at Demigawa. "Just wait until the head of the JPD gets a load of this. I have him on speed dial...unless you want to do the right thing and let my son and friends go? Right?" He said smugly taking out his phone and pretending to dial numbers.

"Alright, alright! I'll let 'em go! Don't tell, please, I need this job! Look see, I'm doing it now!" Demigawa babbled as he got his keys and unlocked the cell door for Light and the others.

After all the paperwork was sorted, Soichiro had everyone pack into the car so they could get back home. "I hope I never have to see you all in jail again, especially you Light. I mean, really, all this commotion- WHAT MATSUDA!?" Soichiro said irritatedly since Matsuda was tapping his shoulder.

"Um, ah, Chief? I still got to _go. _Like..._RIGHT NOW!_"

~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~

_**Well, that's it for the jail story. Thanks again to all those that read and reviewed. This will probably be my last Death Note fanfic for awhile until I think of more goofy stuff. I might just do something OnePiece, Kuroshitsuji, or Bleach...**_

_**Let's hope Matsuda gets to the bathroom in time...XD**_


End file.
